I read an interview with "Kate Brennan" in The Guardian last week. Brennan, who writes under pseudonym, has just released her memoires called Stalked in Europe. (The American version is called In His Sights.) Brennan describes her puzzlement, anger and finally fear when she realises that the man, with whom she has just ended a two-year relationship, has begun to follow her every move and is even paying other people to "keep an eye on her." She is finally forced to move around in her efforts to get away from this man, but sooner or later he is back on track and he shows that he is by paying people to break into her house, tapping her phone or doing other things that throw her off guard (such as moving in next door). This type of behaviour still continues after 15 years.

To me, Brennan's tale is disturbing on several levels. I, too, was in a similar relationship, although my ex-husband didn't have the means to pursue me the way Brennan's former partner does. I recognize the attempts to gain control and power, however. I remember him following me around, not allowing me to be alone, to think for myself, at any time. I remember him hitting, pulling or shoving me when I didn't do as he wanted. I remember finding the phone bank linked to my private account closed since "somebody" had failed to come up with my password too many times. I remember being yelled at and threatened on the phone. (He said he would take my children away from me.) I remember him interrogating first me, then the children as well as my parents about people I might be seeing or things I was doing. I remember many things.

It actually took me years to create geographical and psychological distance to this man. Unfortunately, as the father of my children, he still can't be completely removed from my life, but I can try to minimize the knowledge he has about my life. I can stop him from calling me and only allow e-mail correspondence (anything in writing can be saved and be used as evidence if the need arise). I try to make sure that the children are safe, and I know they would tell me if anything bad happens. What I have realised and what people in general need to realise is that this kind of behaviour has nothing to do with love. It's about control and the wish to gain power over somebody else. What I find most appalling is how I changed my way of behaving and thinking. My goal became to try to read his mind in an attempt to ward off attacks or at least getting prepared. I came to see it as my responsibility to make sure that he didn't get angry. As a consequence, it, of course, became my fault if he then did. To get out of that kind of thinking takes a while. It also took a while to realise that not everyone is like him, that there are people who actually are trustworthy, people I can talk to and lean on.

I'm thinking of reading Brennan's book, but I'm not sure if I'm up to it even though almost ten years have passed since my divorce. My own memories are bad and tales like Brennan's still haunt me. But I've learned that openness and honesty helps, as does love. Unlike Kate Brennan, I'm so lucky to be in a really good relationship with a really amazing man.